THE CURES (Dedicated to Spike Milligan)

The scales of the fish

Help to ward off the plague

When worn in a sack round the neck

The wings of the gull

Stop pains in the skull

And convulsions that leave you a wreck

The froth from your beer

Is good for diarrhoea

And sand is the thing for the pox

A helping of stew

When poured in your shoe

Fills up the holes in your socks

Frogs, say the sage,

Will starve off old age

Jelly’s the thing for the gout

A spoonful of soot

Stops athlete’s foot

And soon has you up and about

Eight pints of oil

Soothe the spot and the boil

Some speak of cider and cheese

But the stuff for the flu

Is a tube-full of glue

And cabbages strapped to the knees

Or so my gran says.

But what about my ringworm then, Gran?